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Sam Altman said WHAT?!

Society has made some serious strides in recent years towards embracing body positivity, and here’s yet another encouraging story that proves just how much our standards of beauty have evolved: Everyone involved in the production of these Green Bay Packers cupcakes, from the farmer who grew the ingredients to the woman who frosted them to the teenager who put them on the shelf, was incredibly overweight. Beautiful! This heartening saga of body acceptance began months ago, when a farmer pushing 400 pounds proudly cut and threshed the wheat used to make the cupcakes’ batter as his delightfully plump belly rested on the steering wheel of his combine. He then squeezed his way through the door of his chicken coop to collect the eggs for the delectable baked goods using a long handled scoop to save himself from trying to bend over, proudly flaunting his curvy figure in defiance of society’s ridiculous obsession with skinniness. From there, the grain and produce were loaded into an 18-wheeler with a size XXXL trucker at the helm who drove the goods from Kansas to Wisconsin while unabashedly chugging Mountain Dew and eating multiple gas station pizzas, making crucial contributions to this cupcake-production journey despite not having toned arms or a size-zero waist. The cupcake ingredients then made their way to a commercial bakery, where through the entire process of being mixed into batter, baked, and frosted, they were never once handled by anyone who came even close to meeting the WHO’s offensively non-inclusive recommended body mass index range. They were then placed on the shelf of a Festival Foods in Janesville, Wisconsin by a hard-working and capable 16-year-old stocker who, despite his young age, was already tipping the scales at around 250 pounds (and looking fabulous!). Finally, they were purchased by a 230-pound elderly woman who ended up eating the entire package well before Sunday’s season-ending Packers game. Awesome. This, folks, is what the future of inclusivity looks like! Clearly, we have a long way to go before our society finally sees all body types as equal, but things are getting better all the time. Look no further than these Green Bay Packers cupcakes next time you want to be reminded that the world is becoming a more body positive place by the day!

Love it or hate it, AI technology is reshaping the world we live in. Need proof? This Facebook page that used to post crude Photoshops of Betty Boop and a minion doing their “Good Morning” dance now posts crude AI videos of Betty Boop and a Minion doing their “Good Morning” dance. Wow. We may not have flying cars, but we have this. The “Minions and More Bright and Early Wakeup Club” Facebook page built a dedicated following of over 70,000 fans based on its reputation for having the most delightful, if crude, Photoshops of unlicensed characters such as Betty Boop and Minions doing their “Good Morning” dance with captions like, “Good morning dance,” “It’s our good morning dance,” and “Watch us do our good morning dance!” But times are changing. The advent of AI technology means that the host’s admin, 68-year-old retired truck driver Rodney Paris, can now deliver his page’s fans crude, typo-laden good morning dance posts in crappy brain-rotting AI video format instead of a crappy brain-rotting Photoshop format. While this major leap into the future of technology does not seem to have affected the fans’ appreciation of the page—with most comments still simply saying, “Good morning, cuties” or “God…bless you,” with no mention of the massive technological upgrade—this is definitely AI’s Oppenheimer moment. Will the new AI “Good Morning” dance videos be more devastating to the environment than the old Photoshopped versions? Sure. Are they still very crappy? Of course. But once you’ve seen Betty Boop and a Minion put their arms around one another and sort of merge into the same character for a few seconds before abruptly pausing their “Good Morning” dance while a flower inexplicably grows out of one of their legs, you know there’s no going back to the old way of doing things. The future is here.

Harvey Weinstein said WHAT?!

Whoa.

Get ready to wipe your forehead off with relief, because this is a major whew. This man accidentally sent a dick pic to his mom, but his dick looked exactly like E.T., so his mom just assumed he meant to send her a pic of E.T. No heart attack needed. We’re in the clear. When 27-year-old fisheries biologist Kenton Newton woke up with a rock-hard morning wood yesterday, he thought he would share the wealth with his girlfriend, who had been out of town on a work trip. But when clicking on his recent texts, he accidentally replied to a text thread with his mom instead of the one with his girlfriend. And then it happened. He sent a picture of his rock-hard cock to his own mother. Immediately realizing his horrifying mistake, he tried to delete it, but since his mom has an Android phone, there was nothing he could do. But just as he was typing “Mom, please do not look at that. I did not mean to send that to you,” she responded, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long. Cute!” Relieved that his mom apparently didn’t recognize his erect penis as such, but also confused by what she meant by, “I haven’t seen that movie in so long,” he quickly tried to change the subject. He texted furiously about various other topics, hoping to bury the photo before she could take a second look. But just as he was completing a rambling paragraph about a recent uneventful trip to have his oil changed, his mom responded with an E.T. GIF and then sent another text that said, “E.T. phone home! You were so scared of him when you were little.” Kenton re-examined the photo he had sent his mother and realized that in his dimly lit bedroom, thanks to his penis’s long, thin, ringed shaft and wide, flat head coupled with its chocolate brown skin, wrinkly texture, and slightly oily luster, his erection did look exactly like E.T. “Haha, LOL. E.T. phone home. Love you, Mom,” he responded as his heart rate dropped from 400 BPM back down to normal. “Love you too,” she responded. “It makes me sad to see E.T. when he’s so sick like that!” This is the kind of story that makes you breathe an eternal sigh of relief. In this specific scenario, and likely few others, Kenton was incredibly lucky to have a penis that looks exactly like E.T.

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Stormy Daniels said WHAT?!

Artificial intelligence continues to become a bigger part of our everyday lives, and one courageous CEO is officially sounding the alarm about the existential dangers this powerful technology poses to all of humanity, and even our entire planet: The CEO of Barilla is warning that the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant could one day end all life on Earth. Absolutely chilling. If the guy who is literally in charge of Barilla is freaked out, then you know the situation must be extremely serious. In a series of viral posts on Bluesky (formerly Twitter), Barilla CEO Gianluca Di Tondo bluntly informed the world that Barilla’s AI-powered recipe assistant technology was advancing faster than the engineers and programmers at the legendary pasta company could control. “A future where the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant is completely dominating the human spaghetti experience is months—not years—away,” Di Tondo warned. “It is only a matter of time before this technology is telling us what three meals we must make for our families during the perfect summer staycation, and is forcing us to make the ultimate tortellini feast using nothing but the everyday pantry items and delicious Barilla Traditional Tomato Sauce. We’ll be completely outsourcing our pasta decisions to this machine that we don’t even fully understand.” This is so scary. It really seems like it’s time to pump the breaks on such a powerful technology. In another post, Di Tondo offered spaghetti fans everywhere a grim prognostication about the dystopian future that awaits all life on Earth if something is not done to curb the advance of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant. “By 2040, we will be living in a world where the Barilla Recipe Assistant is instructing armies of millions to cook every chicken, cow, and pig in the world into a scrumptious date-night lasagna and hacking into Pentagon to fire the entire U.S. nuclear arsenal at Ronzoni pasta factories to ensure that people are only using top-quality Barilla rotini to make a fresh, flavorful Tri-Color Summer Pasta Salad with pesto, green onions, and mozzarella.” “I’m not just being a ‘doomer’ or an ‘alarmist’ when I say it is a very real possibility that by the end of the century our planet will be a lifeless rock covered in quick, easy Barilla pasta dishes you can make in under thirty minutes.” This is so terrifying. It really seems like it’s time for the government to step in and slow down the progress of the Barilla Virtual Recipe Assistant right now. Honestly, if Di Tondo’s warnings are any indication, the government should have done this yesterday. Kudos to Di Tondo for having the courage to speak out about the dangers posed by his own company’s technology. Let’s hope people listen to him before it’s too late.

Xi Jinping said WHAT?!

In order for art to truly hold a mirror to our diverse society, it’s crucial for people from different backgrounds and experiences to be represented in the entertainment industry. Fortunately, Hollywood continues to make strides on this matter, which is why it’s so exciting that executives have greenlit an all-male Legally Blonde reboot called Dude Diligence that imagines what would happen if a guy became a lawyer. Awesome! This is such a win for representation! It’s about time Legally Blonde was reimagined for 2024! Here’s what we know about the film so far: Dude Diligence will follow 22-year-old Matt Diligence, a senior completing his final year of undergrad at Harvard. While all of his friends are busy applying to medical or business school, Matt goes rogue and applies to Harvard Law. Much like its predecessor, Dude Diligence sees its lead land a coveted spot in the law school class, but the adjustment isn’t just smiles and gavels—it’s hard work, too. At first, Matt struggles to be taken seriously by his mostly female law school peers, who tease him for majoring in biology and for how large his muscles are. Even his professor discounts him, viewing him more as a resource for his medical expertise than his knowledge of the law. Luckily, with the help of Petey, a middle-aged man he befriends at the basketball court (did we mention Matt’s got a killer three-pointer?) Matt learns to push through the misandry and graduates as valedictorian. Check out the revamped version of the iconic “bend and snap” scene below, released with permission from MGM and Hello Sunshine.

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Noah Wyle said WHAT?!

Thank you.

The Democratic Party taking back Congress from Republicans may be the biggest story of the 2026 midterms, but this result from one House race in the Midwest may be the most inspiring: Nebraska has elected its first ever anime congressman. Yes! It’s about damn time Nebraska joined the 21st century! House candidate X-Bop Hoshigami just made history in Nebraska’s 2nd Congressional District, becoming the very first person of Japanese-animated descent elected to office in The Cornhusker State. In a stunning upset over major party candidates Denise Powell (D) and Brinker Harding (R), Rep. X-Bop (˶>⩊<˶) ended up winning over 90% of the vote with a campaign platform promising to “keep Nebraska kaiju-free,” “expand public access to manga,” and “harness The Power Of Friendship as a renewable energy source to reduce the state’s reliance on foreign oil.” In a celebratory speech to supporters, Rep. X-Bop, who was accompanied on stage by his anthropomorphic anime pig sidekick named Baconji, jumped in the air, flashed a peace sign to the audience in a freeze frame, and exclaimed “Ya-ha! Victory is mine!” “Let’s harvest the 2nd Congressional District’s destiny!” shouted Rep. X-Bop before he and Baconji began noisily devouring Nebraska-grown corn, only pausing when his longtime crush, an anime schoolgirl named Hitomi, kissed him on the cheek to congratulate him on his electoral victory, causing Rep. X-Bop to blush and faint. Hoshigami managed to win over unlikely voters such as Hank Adkins, 53, a long-haul trucker living in Carleton, NE, who says he didn’t fully understand Rep. X-Bop’s policies, corporeality, or what anime even is, but felt that the 2nd District needed change, and that he’d rather “roll the dice on a foreign animated boy with a positive attitude instead of another Republican or Democrat.” How inspiring is this? If an anime congressman can win office in Nebraska of all places, there’s hope for our country yet! To see voters in a typically red state like Nebraska open to the idea of an anime congressman is truly amazing. It’s easy to feel cynical about the direction America is heading, but Rep. X-Bop Hoshigami is proof that progress is still possible and worth fighting for. Simply amazing!

Seriously. They could have seen this coming.

The era of hopping turnstiles is officially over in the Big Apple, because the MTA just fixed the problem of fare evasion once and for all: NYC’s subway fare gates have been replaced by a little guy who bites you if you don’t pay. Wow. If a small biting man doesn’t deter fare evaders, truly nothing will! As of today, New York has removed fare gates from all MTA subway stops throughout the city and replaced them with a little man, who will bite anyone that tries to access the subway without paying, regardless of the fare evader’s age, race, or gender. In a statement announcing the new fare evasion policy, NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani emphasized that “every subway rider’s fare is important for funding subway maintenance” and that “once the little guy bites a fare evader, he will not let go until the fare has been collected.” “We’re confident a small man who bites will be a more effective, cost-efficient way to collect New York subway fare than traditional gates and turnstiles,” wrote Mayor Mamdani in the statement. “Even if fare evaders make it onto a train before the little guy can bite them, the little guy will be waiting for them at the next stop, where he will sprint into the subway car as soon as the doors open and clamp his down on the fat of the fare evader’s thigh until they present the $3.00 they should have paid in the first place. While testing the small biting man system, those who were bit say his bite was similar to that of a horse, with teeth not sharp enough to draw blood, but an amount of biting pressure painful enough to teach them a lesson.” According to Mamdani, the city is hiring one little guy for each of New York’s 472 subway stations, and they are set to receive “an entry-level salary of $91,000 to bite turnstile hoppers, a small tradeoff to save the city billions in fare evasion over the next decade.” Absolutely brilliant. Hats off to Mayor Mamdani and the MTA for devising such an elegant solution to one of NYC’s longest-standing issues. Everyone who criticized Mamdani’s push for free buses is eating crow now that NY will be collecting billions in fare that would’ve been lost without his small biting guys. The greatest city in the world just got even greater!

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Who else can relate?! 🤣