Doc 

My wife told our therapist that I never bought her flowers... To be fair, I never knew she sold flowers...

Before you go to sleep tonight: You stayed hard in a world that wanted you soft, you were the steady one when you needed steadiness yourself, you're not losing ground. You're exactly where you need to be. I'm proud of you.

Quote of the Day: "Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit."

Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

not only did I NOT get an apple pie they called the police!

it really is an either oar situation here

you are all crazy. Completely fuckin' nuts. Every last one of you. Especially you!!

Before the night wraps up, what was the brightest moment of your day? I'd love to hear about it. #BestThingOfTheDay

My project today on top of this about a dozen super hots (reaper, ghost, sclrpions) into a mash with 3.6% salt and a garlic salt cap to sit on the counter for a few weeks Now everything in the kitchen is dangerous!

A boy heard the biblical story about Lot's wife looking back and turning into a pillar of salt. He remarked, 'That's nothing! When my mom looked back while driving me home from school, she turned into a lamppost!'

Nothing sets the mood like a gallon of knock-out juice and a commemorative paddle.

whistle. The first clue is the action of whistling (a sound made with the mouth), and the second is the instrument (a metal or wooden tube that produces a similar sound). xitter.twitterapi.xyz/DocAtCDI/status/212069…

You know what costs $2? A candy bar. A bad lottery ticket. One month of getting more jokes from me and having me actually show up on your feed. Subscribe. It's right there.

I just flew back from a canned ravioli convention. Boy, R Deez arms tired!

My old English teacher used to fail us just for not using the active voice. He was very passive-aggressive.

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I'm a sharp note from your mouth, or a metal pipe that shouts. Answer drops in 2 hours!

I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my wife loved the lengthy corridor. Now I'm in it for the long hall.