Halfway true comedy and satire for your doomscrolling by @DashMacIntyre. I don't report the facts, I improve them.
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Joined June 2017
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BREAKING: Legal scholars say Trump’s ICE deportation policies can be used by a Democratic president to arrest Elon Musk on the street by masked agents in an unmarked van, hold him in a concentration camp for weeks, confiscate all his money, and deport him to Sudan.
BREAKING: Top Republicans are worried Missouri voters' surprise election of Fred Wellman to flip a red House seat along with voting to stop an abortion ban and reject the GOP's gerrymander is foreshadowing that Democrats will flip Eric Schmitt's Senate seat in 2028.
BREAKING: A national group of US students are compiling a Serbia-style list of politicians who have been complicit in covering up the Epstein Files, egregious stock trading, and ICE's violations of constitutional rights so Millennials and Gen Z can vote them all out in 2028.
BREAKING: Several GOP senators are reportedly rethinking their plans to run for reelection in 2028 after Donald Trump just announced Stephen Miller as his chief-of-staff because two years of Miller being in charge will have the blue wave in 2028 make 2026 look like low tide.
BREAKING: Protesters are reportedly placing a line of minced garlic all around the blocks surrounding the White House to keep Stephen Miller out.
BREAKING: The remaining GOP senators who are up for reelection in 2028 in the swing states Democrats just won overwhelmingly are reportedly now planning for their post-politics lives because Stephen Miller as chief-of-staff for two years will make their reelection impossible.
BREAKING: Democrats say if they win the 2028 presidential election they'll host another 250th anniversary celebration in 2029 that isn't lame, boring, and pathetic like Trump's was.
BREAKING: A top GOP official just said on a hot mic, "Stephen Miller as chief-of-staff is game over. In 2028 Democrats will win 500 electoral votes and a Senate supermajority. They learned no lessons from Tuesday. America didn't vote for more Stephen 'Nosferatu Goebbels' Miller."
Just like the NYTimes sending reporters to rural truckstop diners! thehalfwaypost.medium.com/fo…
BREAKING: 93-year-old Chuck Grassley is pissed everyone wants him to retire before the new Democratic governor takes over in Iowa, and he says the GOP Closetocracy’s coke orgies need his leadership more than ever after Lindsey Graham’s sudden death and Mitch McConnell’s stroke.
BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly told his lawyers to get ready for a busy 2027 because, “Democrats might soon be finding out that a lot of the government’s money may have accidentally, after a comedy of errors and shell company mixups, ended up inexplicably in my bank account.”
BREAKING: As a prank, Democrats in Congress “accidentally” added Pete Hegseth and The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg to the group chat in which they are discussing Hegseth’s imminent impeachment.
BREAKING: Top Republicans are worried Democrats will rack up massive legislative accomplishments over the next two years by bribing Donald Trump not to veto them with small budget allocations for his various monument ideas, and then 2028 will be an even bigger blue tsunami.
BREAKING: A top GOP official says that everyone working for the White House who wants a future in politics and isn’t in the Epstein Files is planning out their resignations.
BREAKING: Todd Blanche is reportedly worried Democrats' upcoming investigations into his cover up of the Epstein Files will ruin his Wikipedia page for the rest of human history.
BREAKING: Congressional Democrats are reportedly planning to give President Zelenskyy an “unlimited budget for bombing Russian data centers and bot farms” in January.
BREAKING: The Georgia televangelist who claimed with certainty that the Rapture would occur if Democrats won the Senate says he "may have been mistaken" after neither he nor anyone else from his church has disappeared yet.
It kind of hasn’t set in yet that Democrats finally caught the white whale of Texas. If Texas is blue, Republicans have no shot at the presidency in 2028.