Kingmaker

My wife asked me to make love to her on our wedding anniversary, but I told her I'd rather spend the night alone than be intimate with a woman who makes me feel like a stranger in my own marriage. She looked at me and smiled. Wife: I'm sorry, darling. I never wanted you to feel that way. Me: You're always saying sorry. Does it ever get exhausting? Wife: Not when I know I've hurt the person I love. Me: Sometimes I wonder whether you even remember why we got married. Wife: I may not be perfect, but I still thank God every day that you're my husband. I shook my head. Wife: Did you eat anything? I made your favorite dinner. Me: You think a plate of food can make everything better? Wife: No, handsome. But I still want you to eat. I barely spoke to her for the rest of the evening. The next morning, I found her polishing my shoes before leaving for work. Me: Why are you doing that? Wife: You have an important presentation today. I want you looking your best. Me: Don't you have better things to worry about? She smiled. Wife: I have many things to worry about, but my husband's happiness will always matter to me. I shook my head and left for work. That evening, I returned home unexpectedly early and heard her speaking quietly on the phone. Wife: Please, don't tell him. I don't want him finding out where the money came from. I stopped outside the room.

Last week, I found a wallet outside a supermarket. It contained nearly $8,000 in cash, several bank cards and an identity card. I handed it to the security guard and left without thinking much about it. The following evening, a woman called my workplace and asked to speak to me. She said she was the owner of the wallet and wanted to thank me personally. I agreed to meet her during my lunch break. But when she arrived, she didn't thank me. She placed a photograph on the table and asked if I recognized the man standing beside me. It was a picture of my best friend, taken outside my apartment building. Then she leaned closer and said, "You should ask him why he wanted that wallet returned so badly."

My brother started dating a woman who was divorced and had a 7-year-old daughter. After a few months, he brought her home to meet the family. Everything was going well until he started talking about how difficult it would be to build a future with someone who already had a child. He said, "I want my own family. I don't want to spend the rest of my life raising somebody else's kid." She looked hurt but stayed quiet. Then he added, "I'm just being realistic. A man has to think about his responsibilities." I was sitting at the table listening to all this. Finally, I asked him, "Didn't your girlfriend support you for six months when you lost your job?" He immediately looked at me. "Why are you bringing that up?" I said, "Because you're talking about responsibilities." She turned towards him. "You told me you were living with your parents during that time." He started stumbling over his words. "I was dealing with personal problems. That's different." I asked, "How is it different?" Before he could answer, my mother walked into the room. She heard the last part of the conversation and said, "If we're discussing who supported whom, perhaps you should explain what happened with your last relationship."

I let a woman at a coffee shop use my laptop charger because her battery was almost dead and she said she had an important online interview. She looked relieved and promised she'd only need it for a few minutes. I said, "Sure, no problem." About half an hour later, I finished my coffee and needed to leave. I walked over and said, "Hey, I need my charger back." She looked at her screen and said, "Can you give me another 15 minutes? My interview is starting soon." I told her I was sorry, but I had somewhere to be. She frowned and said, "Seriously? You can see I'm in the middle of something." I reached for the charger, but she put her hand over it. Then the man sitting across from her looked up and said, "Can't you just wait? It's not like you're using it right now." I stared at him. Now apparently, lending someone my charger meant I had to rearrange my entire afternoon around their schedule. I said, "I was happy to help. I never agreed to stay here until you were finished." He shook his head and muttered something about people being selfish. I looked at the woman and said...

Happy 44th Birthday, Anne Hathaway! 22 then, 44 now. How is she still looking this stunning? Some people just refuse to age!

My wife sat across from me last night while I cried, and for once, she didn't try to make me feel better. Me: "You're really not going to say anything?" Wife: "I'm waiting." Me: "Waiting for what?" Wife: "For you to answer what I asked." Me: "You can see I'm upset, right?" Wife: "I can." Me: "And you're just going to ignore that?" Wife: "I'm not ignoring you. I'm trying to finish a conversation we've been having for three weeks." Me: "Wow. So this is more important than how I feel?" Wife: "That's not what I said." Me: "You don't even care that I'm crying." Wife: "I cared when I asked you why you cancelled our anniversary dinner to go out with your friends." Me: "They needed me." Wife: "And you didn't think your wife needed you that evening?" I looked away. Wife: "Then I asked why you kept telling your mother about our arguments." Me: "She's my mother. I can talk to her." Wife: "Of course you can. But why does she know every private detail of our marriage before we've even resolved it?" Me: "You're making me feel like I'm a terrible husband." Wife: "I'm telling you something you did hurt me." Me: "You always make everything my fault." Wife: "Last week, I asked why you deleted those messages from your colleague." Me: "They were nothing." Wife: "Then why delete them?" Me: "Because I knew you'd react like this." Wife: "And now we're discussing my reaction instead of the messages." I started getting emotional again. Me: "I can't believe you're treating me like this." She looked at me for a moment and said something I wasn't prepared to hear. Wife: "Do you realise what happens every time I ask you to take responsibility?"