Normal Island News

Countless men have made the job of police easier over the last few days by outing themselves as proud supporters of Russell Brand. We’ve all seen their posts that might as well read “check my fucking hard drive”. It’s like a #MeToo movement for incels and rapists who are deeply concerned their past might come back to haunt them. “But that skank shoved her tongue down his throat!” screamed every man who thinks the “slut” label should allow him to rape women without consequences. “I’m concerned that anyone can be jailed on the say so of women,” whispered those who think sex crimes are a perfectly normal part of growing up. The ones who think every university rapist has a bright future and one night shouldn’t ruin his life. “How can a man be jailed for something that happened 17 years ago and wasn’t reported to police?” whimpered every guy who raped someone in the 2000s and was relieved it wasn’t reported at the time. “It can’t be rape because she initially consented!” insisted every creep who thinks that a woman saying “yes” means he can do anything he wants for as long as he wants and she has no right to tell him to stop, even when he’s hurting her. What amazes me is how none of these clever arguments convinced the jury. Those deep state jurors chose to believe the dozens of eye witnesses, the testimony from the victims, and the confessions from Brand that he made on stage, on camera, in interviews, in bars, and even in his booky wook. Clearly, there was no evidence and this is all a stitch up. It seems we are entering truly dark times. I mean where does it all end? First they’re locking up Russell Brand. Next it could be David Walliams. Before you know it, they’re locking up every rapist who they can prove is guilty beyond reasonable doubt. And that’s really not many. Only a tiny percentage of rapes ever result in conviction, but that’s way too many for some. If you’re a rapists’ rights activists, I must say I admire your moral conviction. Brand has never met you, and he will never see your posts, but everyone else will see that you support his crimes. If you’re gonna die on a hill, it might as well be one where every woman can see you. Unfortunately, you never considered that women can search through your social media posts for “Russell Brand”. When you find no one will go near you again, it will obviously be the fault of all women. Just pray the police don’t check your hard drive or celibacy will be the least of your problems. It’s all so unfair, isn’t it? We live in a time when everyone’s free to be their authentic self apart from you. How can it be right that presidents and princes are allowed to rape, but mere mortals stand a tiny chance of facing justice? Thankfully, the rapists are making a stand. One man bravely posted that “everyone knows Brand was jailed for his political beliefs”. It’s good to admit that rape and sexual assault are your political beliefs, but be careful—they don’t count as protected characteristics in a court of law. We really need Andy Burnham to get on this fast and update the Equality Act. Some men aren’t quite brave enough to out themselves but still want to show solidarity in their own way. One guy went for a more cautious, tactful approach: outright denial. He insisted that “not a single person believes Brand is guilty and that’s what’s terrifying”. Brand was so open about his past that he laughed and joked with his father about how they visited a brothel when he was in school. Obviously a boy that close to his dad could never become a rapist. Therefore, it’s a mystery why he publicly said on camera, “I raped someone once”, isn’t it? Brand’s unique sense of humour meant he bragged of stalking, sexual assaults, and rapes, over and over again. He often groped women in the middle of bars, but that sort of behaviour’s fine, isn’t it, guys? You want to be famous enough to grab a woman’s tits while she’s paralysed by fear. You want to be the one who can laugh it off as a joke. All that time you spent banging on about “Asian grooming gangs”, you just wanted to be the one doing the raping. You really were worried that foreigners were coming here and stealing your job.

BREAKING: The unnamed celebrity who took out a super-injunction has now gone to the European Court of Human Rights and requested his name be included in the Epstein files so that he has immunity from prosecution 👀

BREAKING: In a miraculous medical breakthrough, the government has worked out that disability does not start until you are 25 years old ♥️

BREAKING: 15 year olds are now women when they're being raped, but children when they want to use social media, listen to Spotify, or buy something from Etsy 👀