days (@Dayscd) header
days (@Dayscd) profile picture

days

@Dayscd

25 year old comedian from Minnesota the state @vdays

 Minneapolis, MN
youtube.com/daysffas
Joined December 2014
  • Tweets26.2K
  • Following1.8K
  • Followers11.6K
3.6KMedia
Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)Photo by days (@Dayscd)
A man is diagnosed w/ mental health. His mental health doctor tells him to watch Ted Lasso. "But doctor...I am Jason Sudeckis (da guy who plays Ted)." Da doctor is confused. "I thought you had a mustache." "No it is a fake mustache for my character." Then da doctor ODs on purpose
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It’s a nice idea but it’s making me hungry and I am nowhere near the museum. They have no solution for people in my situation
Pubity (@pubity) profile picturePubity
@pubityNov 9
George Lucas and his wife Mellody Hobson sell grilled cheese sandwiches at $2 in their museum so no visitor goes hungry. Hobson grew up poor and unable to afford items on school field trips, so she made sure no kid would have to go through the same.
Image from Pubity (@pubity)
Image from Pubity (@pubity)
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Oh James “Gunn” has been “fired”? What next, are they going to hire Bob Sword to “slash” the budgets???
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days retweeted
jill (@littlefucky) profile picture
jill@littlefuckyNov 10
A new film by @mera_angelgirl and I. Please enjoy….
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Coworker Jerry: *raising his voice to get entire office’s attention* Hey everyone!*pulling his pants all the way down* Haha! Gotcha! 😋 Me: Jerry you sly dog 😂 *thinking im tweeting from my burner but texting my wife instead* That one male friend you have sexual tension with
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days (@Dayscd) profile picture
days@Dayscd2 Nov 2025
[The Hugging Cop] Freeze! Put your hands behind my back!
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Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Doctor says: “Treatment is simple. Famous clown, Pagliacci, is performing tonight. Boil him. Pagliacci soup is the cure.
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Oh this dent in my head? (leaning in and whispering) I F. E. Double Hockey Stick
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This man’s retired FBI, good luck getting him back. Even for one mission. Unless you can send one guy to his house to ask him
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Legoland toilets just regular toilets. Not made of legos. Glazed ceramic. Asked employee where I could find Lego toilets: “unfortunately the toilets are all normal.” Literally what the fuck did I pay $90 for? I don’t feel like a Lego.
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No drugs or weapons. Go fish officer
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Jimmy Dean is not my lover
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comedians in cars giving each other head and then crashing the car and destroying the car
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(30 minutes into a meeting and it’s becoming clear that I don’t know the word “crumble”): In our world of textiles, that’s just how cookie gets tiny
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days (@Dayscd) profile picture
days@Dayscd20 Sep 2024
[spongebob on rogan] rogan: that’s what people don’t understand about a villain like Plankton, it could happen to any of us… spongebob: yeah i just don’t think this headset is gonna fit on my head
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days (@Dayscd) profile picture
days@Dayscd25 Aug 2025
G.I. Joe action fingers
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.@IncomingSwarm i need u to delete this reply it's in the way of the screenshot tweet i want to do thanks
Image from 🌺caulksIeeve🌺 (@tenthousund)
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I saw a pair of pants get up and walk out of the store on their own
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Cooking with Jake @jakebrodes @len0killer @allthingscomedy
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when i was a boy granddad showed me a old pistol.he said grandson this gun ima use to kill aliens. i say granddad aint no aliens. he said i dont know. week later i woke up and he pointing it at me. pa put him in a home. now im grown and green goo comin out my face and i dont know
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